Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Call My Children home


Emmylou Harris- Call My Children home

My precious children: I miss you son's. Randy Lee and Kris Alan. It's one of those cloudy, dreary days where my mind wonders to years of long ago.  My heart breaks when I see you hurting.  I wish you nothing but happiness and love but life is cruel.
I wish I could see you every day.  To touch you and tell you how much I love you.  I tried to guide and guard you in life's struggles.  My hope for you is a life that only God can give you.  We gave you to God as a baby and tried our best.   I did give my all and only want to spend eternity with you both.  I pray this moment that God will continue to touch your lives and that you will realize eternity awaits you - live your life to only serve Him.  Be men that lead your families.
Forever and Always, Your Mother

Oh Moon, Oh Wind


Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.......

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew;
Constantly your eyes watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once felt safe in your arms again......

Oh moon, Oh wind,
Hear my plea that only lovers know,
How long can a heart beat before love silences?
This heart is not dripping blood but
Tears......till there is no more.......

by BJ Thorsvig

Uphill Battle

     Ever heard of the expression: "It's one of those days?".  Kidding aside, it's been one of those years.  Sometimes I just don't know where to begin. The last 4 weeks have been relentless for Taylor and I see no let up.  People take for granite so many things in life forgetting how difficult every day tasks are to others.  Instead, they find some unknown pleasure is making her life more painful. (I'll elaborate later)
     Ya, that's right. An uphill battle. About 4 weeks ago, Taylor could not urinate.  That was our first of many 3 hour trips to the ER.   It was very painful and due to her sitting in the wheelchair - even more so.   After the initial time; 3 weeks have followed with the same result. This last time started 9 days ago.  Sunday morning we were all ready for church and then I got Taylor up.  She...couldn't urinate. Up to ER for 3 hours.
     It's always difficult in school but to carry a bag of urine around with you? She's a trooper and just does it.  Several fellow classmates tell her to "suck it up"!  What doesn't help is the unkind remarks from teachers about her missing school and failing behind; as if we don't already know and feel the added stress.   No really?  We "wanted" this to happen!  It's her senior year, trying desperately to make it to the end.
     When you think nothing more could happen - it did.  Taylor was given a new medicine for a bacteria infection. Took one - 6 hours later - severe reaction.  Yup.  ER, again.  IV of several meds.  Was covered with hives and itching.  I felt so bad for her.
     Taylor endures so much that we take for granite.  This year has been ruff but a growing experience for her.  We are all looking "so" forward to her graduation and to move on to better things.
  

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Deep Within - A Hiding Place


I began this blog as a way to share things about me that most people do not know.  To express my thoughts and emotions .....to free myself.  To maybe, have my offspring of generations to come to know me better. To let others know....they are not alone.
A demon, if you will; plagues me.  I saw this ugly monster in others that I have loved and now gone from us. I see it in my children and grandchildren.   It's a thief that robs your joy, your happiness.
It's a science that medical doctors still know so little about.....the "sadness" deep within, which we so easily call.....depression.
You never know when it's coming or how long it's staying.   Sometimes, you feel like you want to cry, or scream, or run away; that no one cares nor "really" wants to.
For if you share, they need to "listen"...and who really wants to listen much these days?
I have always prided myself on being the "listener".   Once I remember a pastor's wife gave me a poem about listening......

‘LISTEN’
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me ‘why’ I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to
solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen;
Not talk, nor do – just hear me.
And I can do for myself – I’m not helpless
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me, that I can
and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational
Then I quit trying to convince you
And can get about the business of understanding
What’s behind this irrational feeling.
When that’s clear,
The answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we
Understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works sometimes for
some people;
because God is mute, and doesn’t give
advice to try to ‘fix’ things,
He/She just listens, and lets you work it out
for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me, and if you
want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn,
And I’ll listen to you.

I do believe medicines do help and we should try that route.  It does help me; but it's still there.   I wonder how genetic it really is?  I know it is.
I notice that the older I get; the more I ponder things.  How memories can haunt you; wrong decisions; happenings; regrets; missed opportunities.....
How I am "so" much like my mother...the good and the bad.  And like my father.  Yes, I do miss them gravely.
I remember when I was young dreaming and wishing it was real.  But  I don't know why.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Offspring - to spring away?

      Offspring: Related Words broodhatchlitteryoungchildscion;familykinlineagestock.  Whatever the word - you can have mine!
      Bill and I were out shopping recently and saw an adorable baby and I said, "Oh, isn't she cute?" and he said "Ya, till they grow up to be teenagers and become ugly assholes!".  Sorry for swearing; but it's the truth.
      Always said - lock them up from 13 to 31!  I don't want it anymore. The drama.  It's so draining.
      I know this sounds horrible to most people but; we have both said - if we had the chance to do it over again - we would "not" have children.
      I remember my Grandmother saying that once you are a parent, you're always a parent till you die.  Even when your child is an adult - their hurts still hurt you.  I think it hurts more - cause now you can't kiss the hurt away.  It hurts to watch and be unable to do nothing.  Most of the time unable to speak unless asked for advice.
     Wish parents could "run away from home".....................................

A Vision


I wait
in the morning mist
fresh dew sparkles
on the lips of roses

I wait
with eagerness
my heart and soul
quietly raging

I wait
for protection
to shelter me
and desire

I wait
resigned to
solitude
until now

~ BJ Thorsvig

So Little Of

Elegance,
so beautiful
charming
yet
so little of

Valor,
my heart's
desire
yet
so little of

Purity,
to offer once
cherished
yet
so little of

Honor,
freely given
unworthy to receive
yet
so little of

Love,
a fantasy
unreachable
yet
so little of

~~by BJ Thorsvig


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Cinnamon Rolls

     That smell of cinnamon rolls baking in the oven...oh man, it's SO good.  I love cinnamon.  I remember both my grandma and mother baking cinnamon rolls.  We have made them too - and just the other day.

     We decided to try three different kinds this time using our bread recipe (shared preciously).  Above are two different kinds: one - just plain cinnamon rolls that I later frosted and the other is cinnamon with pecans and raisins.
     The next batch (shown two photos above) are made with ice cream.  Yes!  Ice cream in the recipe. We loved them.  The caramel never got hard but stayed nice and soft. Mmmmmmm.
   And finally the other pan baked.  (Which half I frosted)    Of course, this was too much for us - so we shared with the neighbors!!!