Old Age, I decided is a gift……sort of..

I am now probably for the first time in my life the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!   I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy skin and the aching bones. And often I am taken back by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less white hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind, patience towards others, taking this life more seriously in regards to eternity.

I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookies, or for not making my bed.  I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many people not appreciate the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to watch TV till 1 AM or play on the computer until 3 AM and sleep until noon?   I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost one….. I will.  I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.  And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a child, or when your children suffers.  A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the compassion of others during your grief.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning white, and to have my youthful laugh be forever etched into grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. The best part is not having to go to work!   And,  I've even earned the right to be wrong.

I, for one, do have many regrets and what if's.  Some say, if they had to live life over - they'd do it the same.  Not me, I would want to change many things. We were not the best parents, but we did the "best" we could do.

So, I do not like growing old. Even though it has set me free.  I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever; but I will live eternally with my Heavenly Father in heaven for eternity.  But while I am still here,  I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

A Great Grandchild - Generations to follow.

Made by Great Grandma Betty

9-8-14 

A HEARTACHE THAT NEVER GOES AWAY

I never thought it would be me

the joy of my first child

a part of me

memories of a growing child

the joys, trails, disappointments

heartbreaks and heartaches

always there, always a parent

always a Mom

then and now

waves of "Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind

Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine
Quiet thoughts come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories"

the night is silent

with only memories of you

of missed opportunities, guilt, regrets, what if's

those sudden unexpected memories of

holidays, football , Kentucky Derby,

Christmas fudge, St.Patrick's day, Sunday's

times when I can't think of you

for bearing it is too great

that overwhelming rush of grief and disbelief

I never thought it would be me,

Your Ma

MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS PAST

In the year of our Lord 2013, I was thinking today as we were driving into Cedar Rapids about my childhood memories of Christmas.  

Thinking as far back as I can remember, my sister Sharon and I would try to open our Christmas presents very carefully as not to disturb the tape.  Many Christmases we already knew what we were getting.
We were not rich people by any means; but Mom and Dad always tried to make Christmas special for us.  I can remember all the Christmas baking mom used to do and we always helped.

Have you ever tried pulling taffy - by hand?

Some of the presents that I can remember were cross country skis and a necklace watch.  Of course, there was always the big Christmas meals down the road at Grandpa and Grandma Fitzpatrick's with the "very, very special" Irish plum pudding (which there are NO plums in it, lol)

One other thing I remember is Dad would always get Mom a Christmas gift to surprise her even when they had very little money.  He did that up to the year before he passed away. Usually it was jewelry. 
  
When they say Christmas is for children - it is in a way.  I'm   saying,  Christmas is for family's.  I have fond memories of Christmas as a child growing up but also wonderful memories raising our children.  Memories with our children would include trying to get that certain gift they wanted; taking them to Santa for a bag of goodies at the Fire Hall; school Christmas programs; Sunday School programs ; for a country sleigh ride; to a special movie; building snow igloos; snow ball fights; hitching the dogs up to the toboggan; and Christmas sugar cookie decorating to just name a few. 

Now that they each have their own children; they are forming unique family memories .  At this time of year I long for my parents and I long for my children.  I wish, well you know what I wish.  By the way, it's snowing outside, Merry Christmas.

MIRACLES

  Miracles surround us ...

There are those that

We stand in awe of,

You know the kind

The ones that stop you

In your tracks

Jaw-dropping ooh ahhh

Type miracles

And then there are those

Little miracles that

Sneak up on you

Like the fog rolling in

Miracles that surround us

And are there every day

Like our baby's smile

Or when a stranger

Does a kindness that

You didn't see coming

Or when you pull your mind

Away from the chaos long enough

To notice the light shining

Through the branches

Of the big tree

In your own

Back yard

Or the fact

That you're

Alive ...

~ Traveler

— with Mackie Eeds.

REMEMBER WHEN

  

     Remember when we were young and in love?  What a life we had.  I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams where we were then and where we have come to this point. 1-17-2013

     I want to write all my memories down but sometimes they seem so vast and unimportant.  You know we come into this world alone - we really walk through this world alone, even with a life partner - we have our "own" memories - our own regrets - and we die alone. 

     I never thought that memories could hurt so bad.  Why should they?  But they do.  I guess, for me, it's thinking of all those wonderful memories that grieves my heart so ever badly - that it "hurts".   Memories should be wonderful and happy.  They were - but they make me sad in the pit of my stomach. 

     That sounds strange but the older I get and as time flies by faster and faster; will I be missed.  Will my children have wonderful memories of us and how we raised them?  Will they continue the values we starved to teach them and carry onto our grandchildren? That is really all that matters to me, in the end. 

    Will they.....remember when?

     

What will people think?....

I'm a People Pleaser and a Care Giver...that's ME.  Some people say what they think out-loud with no regards to others feelings.  I know that can be liberating - but I just "can't".
Sometimes, I have wished I could.

I care for people and animals.... that's ME.

I am a good listener...I remember someone saying it's a virtue.   You know the saying.."if you don't have anything good to say..don't say it at all"...I agree.   I think more people should "practice" the art of listening.
Funny memory...when I worked at Cargill and we had meetings..sometimes I would just remain totally quiet and listen to everyone's discussion...then the leader would say, "well Betty, we have not heard from you, what do you think?"...actually, its rather rewarding. :)

Funny thing...as you grow old...how you feel when you were young...is still the same...but your body is not.
I remember Mom saying how she hated growing old - now "I" know what she meant.

Sometimes.....I would rather just walk away in silence....that's ME.