What will people think?....

I'm a People Pleaser and a Care Giver...that's ME.  Some people say what they think out-loud with no regards to others feelings.  I know that can be liberating - but I just "can't".
Sometimes, I have wished I could.

I care for people and animals.... that's ME.

I am a good listener...I remember someone saying it's a virtue.   You know the saying.."if you don't have anything good to say..don't say it at all"...I agree.   I think more people should "practice" the art of listening.
Funny memory...when I worked at Cargill and we had meetings..sometimes I would just remain totally quiet and listen to everyone's discussion...then the leader would say, "well Betty, we have not heard from you, what do you think?"...actually, its rather rewarding. :)

Funny thing...as you grow old...how you feel when you were young...is still the same...but your body is not.
I remember Mom saying how she hated growing old - now "I" know what she meant.

Sometimes.....I would rather just walk away in silence....that's ME.

Call My Children home

Emmylou Harris- Call My Children home

My precious children: I miss you son's. Randy Lee and Kris Alan. It's one of those cloudy, dreary days where my mind wonders to years of long ago.  My heart breaks when I see you hurting.  I wish you nothing but happiness and love but life is cruel.
I wish I could see you every day.  To touch you and tell you how much I love you.  I tried to guide and guard you in life's struggles.  My hope for you is a life that only God can give you.  We gave you to God as a baby and tried our best.   I did give my all and only want to spend eternity with you both.  I pray this moment that God will continue to touch your lives and that you will realize eternity awaits you - live your life to only serve Him.  Be men that lead your families.
Forever and Always, Your Mother

Oh Moon, Oh Wind

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.......

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew;
Constantly your eyes watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once felt safe in your arms again......

Oh moon, Oh wind,

Hear my plea that only lovers know,

How long can a heart beat before love silences?

This heart is not dripping blood but

Tears......till there is no more.......

by BJ Thorsvig

Uphill Battle

     Ever heard of the expression: "It's one of those days?".  Kidding aside, it's been one of those years.  Sometimes I just don't know where to begin. The last 4 weeks have been relentless for Taylor and I see no let up.  People take for granite so many things in life forgetting how difficult every day tasks are to others.  Instead, they find some unknown pleasure is making her life more painful. (I'll elaborate later)

     Ya, that's right. An uphill battle. About 4 weeks ago, Taylor could not urinate.  That was our first of many 3 hour trips to the ER.   It was very painful and due to her sitting in the wheelchair - even more so.   After the initial time; 3 weeks have followed with the same result. This last time started 9 days ago.  Sunday morning we were all ready for church and then I got Taylor up.  She...couldn't urinate. Up to ER for 3 hours.

     It's always difficult in school but to carry a bag of urine around with you? She's a trooper and just does it.  Several fellow classmates tell her to "suck it up"!  What doesn't help is the unkind remarks from teachers about her missing school and failing behind; as if we don't already know and feel the added stress.   No really?  We "wanted" this to happen!  It's her senior year, trying desperately to make it to the end.
     When you think nothing more could happen - it did.  Taylor was given a new medicine for a bacteria infection. Took one - 6 hours later - severe reaction.  Yup.  ER, again.  IV of several meds.  Was covered with hives and itching.  I felt so bad for her.
     Taylor endures so much that we take for granite.  This year has been ruff but a growing experience for her.  We are all looking "so" forward to her graduation and to move on to better things.
  

Deep Within - A Hiding Place

I began this blog as a way to share things about me that most people do not know.  To express my thoughts and emotions .....to free myself.  To maybe, have my offspring of generations to come to know me better. To let others know....they are not alone.
A demon, if you will; plagues me.  I saw this ugly monster in others that I have loved and now gone from us. I see it in my children and grandchildren.   It's a thief that robs your joy, your happiness.
It's a science that medical doctors still know so little about.....the "sadness" deep within, which we so easily call.....depression.
You never know when it's coming or how long it's staying.   Sometimes, you feel like you want to cry, or scream, or run away; that no one cares nor "really" wants to.
For if you share, they need to "listen"...and who really wants to listen much these days?
I have always prided myself on being the "listener".   Once I remember a pastor's wife gave me a poem about listening......

‘LISTEN’

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving me advice,

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you begin to tell me ‘why’ I shouldn’t feel that way,

You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you feel you have to do something to

solve my problems,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen;

Not talk, nor do – just hear me.

And I can do for myself – I’m not helpless

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me, that I can

and need to do for myself,

You contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,

No matter how irrational

Then I quit trying to convince you

And can get about the business of understanding

What’s behind this irrational feeling.

When that’s clear,

The answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we

Understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works sometimes for

some people;

because God is mute, and doesn’t give

advice to try to ‘fix’ things,

He/She just listens, and lets you work it out

for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me, and if you

want to talk,

Wait a minute for your turn,

And I’ll listen to you.

I do believe medicines do help and we should try that route.  It does help me; but it's still there.   I wonder how genetic it really is?  I know it is.

I notice that the older I get; the more I ponder things.  How memories can haunt you; wrong decisions; happenings; regrets; missed opportunities.....

How I am "so" much like my mother...the good and the bad.  And like my father.  Yes, I do miss them gravely.

I remember when I was young dreaming and wishing it was real.  But  I don't know why.

Offspring - to spring away?

      Offspring: Related Words brood, hatch, litter, young; child, scion;family, kin; lineage, stock.  Whatever the word - you can have mine!
      Bill and I were out shopping recently and saw an adorable baby and I said, "Oh, isn't she cute?" and he said "Ya, till they grow up to be teenagers and become ugly assholes!".  Sorry for swearing; but it's the truth.
      Always said - lock them up from 13 to 31!  I don't want it anymore. The drama.  It's so draining.
      I know this sounds horrible to most people but; we have both said - if we had the chance to do it over again - we would "not" have children.
      I remember my Grandmother saying that once you are a parent, you're always a parent till you die.  Even when your child is an adult - their hurts still hurt you.  I think it hurts more - cause now you can't kiss the hurt away.  It hurts to watch and be unable to do nothing.  Most of the time unable to speak unless asked for advice.
     Wish parents could "run away from home".....................................

A Vision

I wait

in the morning mist

fresh dew sparkles

on the lips of roses

I wait

with eagerness

my heart and soul

quietly raging

I wait

for protection

to shelter me

and desire

I wait

resigned to

solitude

until now

~ BJ Thorsvig

So Little Of

Elegance,

so beautiful

charming

yet

so little of

Valor,

my heart's

desire

yet

so little of

Purity,

to offer once

cherished

yet

so little of

Honor,

freely given

unworthy to receive

yet

so little of

Love,

a fantasy

unreachable

yet

so little of

~~by BJ Thorsvig

Cinnamon Rolls

     That smell of cinnamon rolls baking in the oven...oh man, it's SO good.  I love cinnamon.  I remember both my grandma and mother baking cinnamon rolls.  We have made them too - and just the other day.

     We decided to try three different kinds this time using our bread recipe (shared preciously).  Above are two different kinds: one - just plain cinnamon rolls that I later frosted and the other is cinnamon with pecans and raisins.

     The next batch (shown two photos above) are made with ice cream.  Yes!  Ice cream in the recipe. We loved them.  The caramel never got hard but stayed nice and soft. Mmmmmmm.

   And finally the other pan baked.  (Which half I frosted)    Of course, this was too much for us - so we shared with the neighbors!!!

I AM RICH

I met Bill at 18, engaged in 2 months and married 8 months later.  Many said it would never work.  Even my parents took a while to accept him.  Never once, has our love ever failed.
When I look back, I realize we had some core values - given to us by our wonderful Christian parents.  We were very lucky that way.  To have both parents together, that loved us and loved each other.
Other thoughts come to mind: God was the center of our lives.  Oh, we had our ups and downs in our faith but we attended church and read His Word.  I never saw a man where his love was so strong - I am still amazed over Bill. There is nothing he would not do for me. (I learned to be careful about that - cause he never said no, lol)  *smile*
It went without saying - we never had a "girls" or "boys" night out.  We did everything together -still do.  Just like our parents.
One very important aspect of our marriage is - we NEVER talked trash about our spouse to "anyone" at work etc.  We "respect" each other.  Even when we disagreed/disgusted with something - we never bad mouthed the other.  I think tearing down another person, especially your spouse is extremely harmful in a marriage.  Swearing? That was a no no to me.
I know we are probably rare when it comes to this - but it is the truth - we have never, ever had a yelling argument.  Maybe it's because I saw that in other marriages and I never wanted that in ours.  Bill, had a very quiet loving father and he was raised to respect women.   Oh don't get me wrong, we have disagreed but my method?  I shut up till I could "prove" my point and gently - when the time was right - reminded him, lol.
But, I have always respected my husband and when he spoke with authority - I listen.
This year it will be 43 years.  Oh man, what a book I could write about our adventures in raising children, lol.   There is so much to tell and share.  I hope someday, my children/grandchildren will read my words that I have laid down here from my heart.   Through all the trails and tribulations, we have endured  - I AM RICH.

Bill's HomeMade Bread

Don't know why exactly; but Bill has always loved making bread.  His mother did.  My mother did.  We come from a long line of bread baking. Buns. Cinnamon rolls.  And I love to make scones too.  In our retirement years; we have learned to stream line our baking; although Bill not only bakes for us but our neighbors - Britton and Jason, lol.  We have been asked to write it down - so here it is:

First of all there are a couple of comments. Some people do not mind bread made in a bread machine - it's ok; but we prefer the homemade kind. Now if you ever do become serious about bread baking it is really not that hard at all. After I retired; as a gift to myself - I bought a Viking 7 qt. Mixer. (Higher quality that Kitchen Aide) - of course, at the time they were $500. Ouch!

Anyway, I am digressing - reason being, that it was getting harder for Bill to punch the bread and this made it so much easier.

Now, I searched around to find the perfect recipe for this mixer (as the recipe we used to use was 16 cups of flour and too large for this mixer) and I found this one was the best. It makes 3 perfect loaves every time. I will list the ingredients and then explain our method.

Bill's White Bread

3 cups warm water

3 Tablespoons active dry yeast

3 teaspoons salt

4 Tablespoons vegetable oil

1/2 cup white sugar

8 cups "unbleached" flour (most important item must be unbleached)

In mixer, put 4 cups flour, salt, yeast and sugar. Turn on mixer a few minutes to incorporate all ingredients.

In a separate bowl, put 3 cups warm(on the hot side) water and 4 Tablespoons of vegetable oil.

Then pour wet into dry and mix well. Stop once to scrap down sides. Should be a sloppy mix. Let it sit for about 20 to 30 minutes. Then add the remaining 4 cups of flour, ONE AT A TIME. Then allow the mixer on usually medium speed, knead the dough for 10 minutes. (put on timer if needed, don't' guess)

Take the dough out and spray bowl with non stick spray and return the dough to bowl. Cover with towel and let raise to double in size. Usually takes about an hour - depends on the weather, lol.

Remove, divide into 3 equal parts. Bill uses a scale. Spray ahead of time, 3 loaf tins. Form into the logs and place in tins. Cover with a towel to raise. This usually takes about 1 1/2 hours. Bake at 350* for 30 minutes. Once removed, we butter the tops. Cool. Bag. The next day, we slice and freeze them.

Molasses Bread: Only difference is: add 1/2 cup Molasses and ONE extra Cup of flour. Yum!!

**We get our Unbleached flour from the Amish Colony here; but you can buy unbleached in the store if you really look for it. I would recommend you search around for some. IF you use regular flour - two things happen, drier/heavier bread. There is big, big difference

A Very Special Christmas Gift

Christmas 2011 was weird!  One of the very few times in my life - there was NO snow. Of course, it was nice; but weird.  I wanted to share about a unique gift we were given this year.  Let me explain.  Each year, since we have lived here in Iowa - our son in law's family has always included us in their entire family Christmas Celebration.  They are a very loving family - and welcome you as "family".   Fred and Ellie give gifts to everyone; even us, lol.  This year when their children gave them an envelope to open; we were handed the "same" white envelope from Jason and Britton. What?  Why?

   We were so surprised and thrilled.  They gave us a very special gift - a weekend away, doing something both couples love to do - explore museums, spend time together, laugh and relax.  Of course, now we have yet to "set a date" - but we will!!

A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A Wish

Recently, I read this quote: A Goal without a plan, is just a Wish.  It made me think and reminded me of my New Year's goal of blogging.  I HAVE A PLAN!  *smile*